Category: Dating and Relationships
Does it matter if one is dating someone sighted or blind?
Are there speicfic stipulations that one must meet, and if so, what are they?
What if your partner was blind/
How does a blind couple handle a relationship being that 99 percent of all comunication if visual?
Actually I've heard that it's more about 70% visual. You get the words and tone of voice, but miss out on almost all body language. Anyway, it all depends on the person.
I feeel that it shouldn't matter how it works whether they can see or not. Everyone when going in to a relationship has to make adjustments and if one can see and the other is blind that's just something they should work through.
ok spelled feel wrong but who cares.
I agree, it doesn't matter if a partner is sighted or blind, just as long as the love is there it doesn't matter. Now granted a sighted person may want to date someone sighted do to the advantages of driving them around, and so on.
Troy
It doesn't matter to most, but the girl I date has to have a valid driver's license!
obviously it does, Jessie, or you wouldn't have said that
Let me start by saying I married someone sighted. I've asked myself it it matteed in the final analysis, and I don't think it did. She didn't drive or get a license until after we got married, so we didn't hav that isue to deal with. We live on the outskirts of a city, primarily so I can still travel and won't be a prissoner. She'd like to move further out, but I won't make that compromise. The price in terms of my independence is too high for me. I know a girl who was married three times. The first tow guys she married were sighted, and her current husband is legally blind. I don't know if its the aging thing or what, but she genuinely seems happier with him than she did her first two husbands. I agree, the real issue is that the two people love each other, and that they really communicate, just like in any relationship.
A person is a person to me. If I date someone whether they are blind, visually impaired, or sighted, I'm going to give them a fair chance. Besides everyone should be treated equally whether they have a disability or no disability it doesn't matter to me.
It all depends on the individual in the end. To me, there is no right or wrong answer and no should or shouldn't about it. I know, people are mostly idealists, so they form their opinions from the perspective of how things should be if it were a perfect world. Me, I'm more interested in seeing things as they are now, and I feel that it's okay to prefer dating blind people over sighted ones if that's your thing. A person who has a preference of who to date is not some evil awful racist discriminating hateful person. It could be that they only know sighted people or blind ones, or had bad luck dating one or the other, or just plain feel they have more in common with one group over another. This is just how people are.
Blind /sighted or a double amputee, it doesnt matter to me.
it doesn't matter to me either. a person's a person, simple as that.
There's no black or white answer to this question, but I think what matters most is that the blind partner doesn't depend on the sighted. I've seen it happen to a couple of friends where the blind husband totally depended on his sighted wife to drive him around, take care of all house chores, stay in touch with the kids' school. His part was working long hours and making good money while she was a housewife. Eventually she got tired of being his care-taker and had an afair. They're still married but both very bitter. Blindness versus sight is not their only issue, but it's one of the most significant. So, to make a long story short, make sure you keep your independence even if it's more comfortable to have a sighted partner do everything for you.
Yeah well that's fucked having an affair behind his back because she got tired of being his care-taker. I'd have dropped that bitch in a blink of an eye. I mean did he have trasnsportation other than his wife like city buses, taxis, or something? I mean if he didn't have any other way of getting around other than her then the blame goes directly towards her and he isn't to be blamed for stupid shit like that needing to go places.
I live in a small town and it has no trasnportation for blind whatsoever so in order to get around you have to rely on someone to help you out in that department. If I were married and my wife cheated on me for wanting to go places like to the grocery store, movie store, bank or whereever else. I'd drop her ass in a heart beat. That's no fucking exzcuse to cheat on your husband for.
I mean I do have family here but relying on them makes me feel very dependent because I like to be independent and do things on my own but in the situation I am in I don't really have a choice. I'm not in walkig distance of any grocery store or anything so you know walking is out of the question for sure. Hitchhioking is just asking for trouble, I wouldn't trust the driver so that's out of the question so what else a poor soul like me to do? Now if I lived in a city with trasnportation for the blind then I'd have no problem at all getting around.
Chris
Something else to add is that if she married a blind guy then she should've thought about what she was getting herself into. Everyone knows a blind person has more needs than a sigted person and their life is tad bit tougher, however I'm not saying sighted people have tough lives to, but people with disabilities being blind in this case require more needs like braille, trasportation if needed, and reading bills or reading or need help filling out important paper worl, and you know exactly where I'm getting at, so there's no need for me to continue on.
Chris
My woman better have enough vision to read the street signs to walk my drunk and hi ass home from where ever we are, oh and she better be able to cook, give good oral, and like anal sex.
In my opinion it doesn't matter. Not to me. It matters to them though, I think. I hardly know any blind people who are with sighted ones.
wanna post this silly thing hat i've now written three times! it matters to me. sighted person would mean i'm more independent and its easier. i could just relax when i go out. feel i could go on holiday and just be me, looking around at places, going new places without having to ask for help or whatever. i'm sure you can feel relaxed with someone blind who's confident but i tend to find people just either shut themselves away and wont try to go new places, or still it's not the same for me as being with my sighted friends. however, love is what rules in the end, so whether i end up with a sighted person will be very much down to who i like or love. if they're blind, love will overrule anything else i'm sure.
Yeah, I guess it would be easier to date a sighted person and would be far less tiresome, And as corney as it sounds, if you do love the person, then that's all that matters. I'd prefer to date a sighted person, I mean, who wouldn't! But being sighted or blind shouldn't be the deciding factor when in a relationship, in my opinion. Dating a blind person does have some down sides but, it's doable.
Well, I'm a sighted person and my beautiful girlfriend is blind. I don't see what the issue is! I seriously even forget that she can't see from time to time, like asking her if I've left her enough space to get out the car when I've parked it etc. I agree that the woman who had an affair because she was sick of being her husband's care-taker was well out of order! There is absolutely no excuse to have an affair! And yes, she should have thought about what she was doing before she married him. I must say, my lady is as independant as they come, and she never asks me for lifts or to do things for her... I offer, because I love her! I'd be exactly the same even if she could see! That's my nature! We look after each other, and we equally look after and care for our house, it's never left to me. We do things together, and that's the way our relationship works... neither of us would have it any other way!
I have to comment though, just because the guy couldn't see, doesn't mean he was incapable of doing anything. You get people who are naturally lazy and don't want to do things for themselves, or even some blind people (like our former housemate) who like to kid the world that they are independent and don't need people to do things for them, yet when it comes to something where they need help (and there isn't anyone, sighted or blind that doesn't need help with something from time to time) they expect people to do it for them right away, and immediately. For example, our ex housemate used to have me clean up her guide dog shit, when it is perfectly possible to do that without seeing, as a friend of ours came to stay with his guide dog, and I just assumed he'd need me to pick up the shit after he's gone... I went out there, and he'd bagged it up and left it in a discrete place for me to put into the bin as he didn't know where it was.
My point? well, although there is no excuse for having an affair, I can understand that the woman might get frustrated with the guy if he was too willing to let her do it all rather than find a way of doing some things for himself. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but it's just a different way to look at it!
Ultimately though, it's all about love... and you have no control over who you fall in love with! And I personally feel truly blessed that I have my lady. She's wonderful and amazing, and I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have her! If you have love, you have everything. Now ain't that the truth?! :)
Jared, geez, you're a jerk lol. Anal sex? Uh...no. Anyway, sight isn't a requirement. I mena, I've dated full sighted guys and then I've dated totally blind guys. not an issue with me. Someone I'm interested in is completely blind, and that's totally fine with me.
Lucy, I totally ag ree. And Kyla, you're right. If oyu love that person, that is al lthat matters. It's the same as if you would not date people only because they are a bit larger.
Personally I don’t think both partners being blind makes any difference to the relationship, but it does make a difference to the type of lifestyle that they lead. For example, if one partner has some sight, then the two can go off on holiday together, to anywhere in the world they want. This can’t happen if both partners are blind, they can go on holiday, but they would have to do it with the help of a sighted 3rd party. Even something as every day as going to a restaurant for a meal is made more difficult if both partners are blind, having to be guided to your table, have a menu read to you by a waitress does take away somewhat from the feeling of independence. However, most of these things aren’t necessarily a reason not to have a relationship with a fellow blind person.
Going back to a point raised in the original posts. I don't think communication is as terribly visual as those posts state. Between sighted people, yes, visual communication patterns inevitably emerge and become the norm, eye contact, sexy underwear, talking with your hands, exchanging glances knwoingly etc. But I think two blind people or a blind and a sighted person develop their own patterns of communication, small squeezes replace the glances, holding hands replaced the eye contact, sometimes you can even picture your partner's body language as he/she speaks, because communication is just the physical manifestation of the bond between two people and sometimes you don't even have to see the other person in order to know what they're feeling. It's different, of course there are small things you are missing out on but- over-all I don't think you can put a plain percentage on it and say blind people can only communicate 3% of what visual communication allows for.
Good points raised earlier actually. I think a blind person cannot, ever, become too dependent on his/her sighted partner, the reason being it both must be a bit exhausting for the sighted partner and that person may start feeling used more than anything else. If in the aforementioned post the guy never did anything around the house and just "used" his wife to take him to work, cook, clean, raised the kids, of course she grew frustrated eventually. If you really love someone you want to take care of them as much as they take care of you and a part of that is maintaining your independence so that you can do things for them if they get sick or if they're tired etc. I think that's not specifically something that blind people experience only, I think any relationship where one person feels he/she has to do all the work and caring and never feels the other person contributes to the every day life is is bound to lead to big issues. And I agree with SugarBaby on blind vs sighted. The only time I really was serous with a blind person I realized she did not wqant to go out, to experience the world, basically just to hide away from it and being taken care of. That is nice and everything and it was her right but it just was something I could not do, I'm too spontaneous and I also want a partner that can take care of me.
Now, as everyone knows, I'm 100% convinced I've found the love of my life, she happens to be sighted, which is great for us as it allows us to explore the world because we both love doing that, but it wouldn't have mattered. As cheesy as it sounds, when you find the right person you just know that he/she's the one. I'm not sure if everyone finds that special someone, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have done so, but realized that if you find someone you click with this good, you won't even take details like vision into soncideration, but going forward in a relationship both people must take good care to take care of each other and when you're blind that involves being independent and not giving in to the temptation of being taken care of, just because your sighted partner does things more easily than you can (this, however, shall not extend to driving as it might make the relationship somewhat shorter than people woul wnat it to be).
Well, I think the biggest reason to stay independent (and I don't mean that just in blindness terms, but in whatever way a person might come to feel dependent on someone else) within a relationship is as much for one's own benefit than it is to "relieve" the responsibility of one's partner. It's terribly bad for the ole' self-esteem to feel dependent, and it can only lead to resentment and unhappiness. Apart from that, I think it's not so bad to rely on one's partner for some things, as long as there's some sort of balance in the relationship as a whole. I mean, in my relationship for example, there are undoubtedly things I'm better at--for example, driving (though some people might say barely :-)), or sorting laundry by color, or reading aloud that book that comes neither in braille nor in audio format. So, when it comes to those things, my fiance relies on me. By contrast, there are *a lot* of things he's better at. When the bills need to be paid, guess who steps up to the plate? He's also the one who fixes the internet connection, and who brings in the money to support us right now. My point is that you can't focus on one specific aspect of the relationship to which you might contribute less and decide that that means you're unreasonably dependent on your partner. Being a couple is all about teamwork, and a relationship is supposed to be a fine web of supporting each other where it's needed, so it's okay to rely on your partner for some things as long as you make sure you let him or her rely on you for some others. For example, I think that woman who cheated on her husband had no right to think of herself as his "caretaker". If I understand correctly, he was the one who provided for her and her family, so he took care of her just as much, albeit in other ways, as she was taking care of him. Of course it's prefectly legitimate to feel that the responsiblities need to be rearranged if things aren't working out, or if one partner is feeling that s/he is not pulling his or her weight, but there are many ways of taking care of one another.
i agry totally with the last post! its trew u do what u can for each other! one of my relationships was dificult as she had more than just blindness to contend with! but she did for me what she was able to just as i did for her what i could! its not about being to dipended. thow this could happern if u are one of the layzy ones who just thinks the werld needs to do it for them and everthing will happern with out there input! there the first to complain when sumthing goes rong! after all love will win or at leest it should! rite now i am with a blind girl! and its all good! yeh there are the litle problems! but there are problems in every relationship! that in tern dosent meen that we have more problems! holding hands and squeeses and touches and all that do replace visual stuff! my self i am a verry fisical person. i have only had one sited girl frend and she dumpted me cose she couldent cope with things i needed help with! cince then there has been no sited interest! so there we are! this dont meen i dont like or havent liked sited girls as i have! just that that like has not been resiprycated. but follow your hart its the rite way if it feels rite! but dont drop it if it takes time to get used to! give it a good shot befor u give up!
andy!B
Yes, I totally agree with Susanne and Andy.
I agree with all those people who says that it doesn't matter who you date.
I have gone out with a blind person, and from all points of view of comunicating, the relationship was fine. there was never a problem whith not knowing what the other wanted to say if you see what i mean. on the other hand, we only saw each other twice in a 6 week relationship.
now i am going out with a sighted man, and he's great. our relationship is just as strong, although sometimes i have to ask him "what are you doing" when he goes quiet or explain to him that i can't see the way he's looking at me so he needs to help me understand by tutching me.
we both do things for each other. he takes me round the shops and describes things for me, I pay for things like tickets if we're going out etc.
I agree with all people who have said that its love that matters. it is. its the only thing that does.
It is interesting to read some of your points. Yes, love is what matters, but that also means that we can't cancel people out due to potential communication issues. It's not just between blind and sighted people, but any two people are going to have communication issues sometime no matter the abilities. It don't matter to me....well okay that's not true there is one thing that kind of makes me wonder....what does the sighted world think when they see two blind people together? Do they see two blind people together, or two people together? And on that same point, what comes out of it? Here's an example: back in seventh grade I was talking to one of my girl friends about who I should ask to the dance. Lol, granted we were seventh graders and were just getting used to the junior high thang, but she suggested that I ask out the other blind guy that went to our school. This leads me to wonder, is there an assumption that members of a community of whatever disability may be, should stick together and are going to date? If that makes sense?
yes brooke, i think for the most part, unfortunately there is. however, i think it's our duty as blind/disabled people to show the world we're no different.
Your damn right about that Chelsea.
Not sure that theory only applies to people with disability though. I think that people often just associate certain types of people with one another, i.e. people would expect two muslems to be friends, or two very christian people, or black, or white, and blind just falls into an association like that.
It's up to people as individuals to make up their own minds who they want to associate with.
I have to agree with SugarBaby. If you are worried about what people say when they see you with someone else you're being a bit prejudice I think, We're not out to prove anything for all blind people, we go out to find the people we love and want to spend time with and do the best we can, to make us happy and successful, not to advance the cause of blind people as a whole. If being happy and successful and the fact that other people see you as such helps to advance the cause of the blind all over the world that's a good thing and if you want to get together with other blind people to fight perceived social injustices or address issues common to all blind people that is good too but you shouldn't think of yourself as a blind person and as an example of all blind people at every point in your life and with every action you take. Just live up to your full potential and enjoy life and that's the best you can do.
No kidding. If *you* are a representative of all blind people, does that make *me* a representative of all sighted people? And of all Swiss people? And of all grad students? And of all people owning dark green cars? Etc. My point is, why should you automatically stand for a whole group of people simply because you share one characteristic with them, and in this case, one you didn't even choose? While it's true that some people will probably take you to represent all blind people, you certainly don't need to feel that that is your duty--it's their problem, not yours.
You know, I never thought of it that way....thanks guys. It really helps, I mean it's true, we shouldn't be held accountable for that. We are people. Also, as one of my friends was mentioning today, sure some people may cancel blind people out as having a relationship with them because they're blind, but some people cancel people out for a lot of ther reasons, not just reasons pertaining to abilities.
i never thought of it that way either, but it's true.
True indeed.
It is trew that that is trew! But the reason that we are lumped to gether in groups is be cose society is unable to understand interaction between groups!*don’t u find it hard?* that coming from a sited person who sees another sited person with a deff person I new. This thow depends very much on your definition of hard!
If a sited person who is in love with a blind person really in love with them then they may make serten changes to there life, i.e. lurning brail so they are able to leeve notes and rite letters or such things to each other! Should we as a blind person expect them too? Well in my opinion no! it is entirely up to them I lurned to rite print because I wanted too! They should want to lurn brail for the self same reason.
But as I sed to start society has this over wellming need to groop people to gether! Look at the way news paper circulation is studied! There are demographic groups and thow there are quite a fue of these used for research there are even more used in every day life. It is not rong to assume that two Muslims are friends, as it is not rong to assume that a white person is friends with a black person but humans like every animal on this planit will be wairy of sumthing diforent! For example a small terria dog will be wairy of a large alsation dog! Its natural! To be Skaired of the un known.
You have a point there, Andy.
I am totally blind, and have purposely stayed away from dating blind people. I don't want the person I'm dating to say I look pretty even when they can't see me...though I know beauty can be noticed without the eyes, a blind person wouldn't be able to notice my hair-eye-skin color or if something really did look nice on me. Also, I need someone who can drive, the bus and walking shouldn't be a part of our dating.
Um then your a lazy motherfucker then. I don't mind walking or riding the bus taking a girl out on a date. I mean how else would you get to where your going? Like I said before a person is a person to me whether they are blind, visually impaired, or sighted. Of course having a sighted partner is everyone's choice but beggers can't be choosers either and if you want everything you want to your satisfaction you'll only end up with nothing.
I think there are some people in society who believe that the absolute only way a blind person and a sighted person can interact is where the sighted person totally takes care of the blind person. It's inaccurate and it's ignorant, but some folks stubbornly believe this as truth and they're not willing to change their minds despite any evidence to the contrary. However, remember that you form relationships with people to make yourself happy and hopefully make the other person happy, and that's where it ends. You do not form a love relationship to make society happy, and you don't form love relationships to make a political statement. In both cases, I expect it'll fail miserably.
Also, there are some blind folks who seriously believe that when you're out in public, one of us represents all of us because apparently some sighted folks think that way. I don't think it's right because if it were true, one sighted person would have to represent all of them, when that's not true, but I guess when you're a minority, the rules are supposed to change and not be in your favor.
yes! i agry with the last statment! there are far to menny peaple who! take one example as a definition! what getts me is they are the same peaple who say that a servay cant be acurut as it has not been taking by this or that soshal groop! this counts for some lecturers at univercity!
there are two of uss who are blind on the same corse! and be cose i am more technically capeable than she is! the senia lecturer looks down on her, and some times critisises her for her work in the studio for example. but this at leest for her is a fear of the equipment and getting things rong! for me, i have been working with the same kit for about 7 years so its sekend nature to me. its made werse by the fackt that we came from the same college and the same teacher. thow i was doing a slitly diforant corse!.
another bind i have notitst is this, *no i cant do it that way its not normal!* dont get hung up on normality! do it what ever way u can! so going out on a date! hay get the buss or the tube train or what ever, just fucking get there! and get back again who cares how u do it! cose we all wish for a driver but hay like what was preeviasly sed! beggers cant be choosers be with the person u want to be wtih cose u want to be wtih them not cose they got a MG normal is what u make it! life is what u make it! go and fucking live it!
andy!b
Fuck this "it's our duty oo prove were no different then everyone else thing" We as blind people are different for better or worse it's just the way it goes. I don't try to make sighted people think I'm just like thenm I do what I feel like, how I want, when I want to, and let people judge me for me.
I may be like everyone else in very general ways, but I define myself as an individual, an outsider, an eccentric, and these are things I'm pretty proud of. Society hates the individual because they can't stick a label on them and put htem in a box and expect htem to e all predictable.
I'm not saying that I should be taken care of. I'm saying that taking the bus and walking to places as two blind people would have to do if they were dating is not the way I personally would want to have a relationship.
I am independent, but I am used to the way sighted people live as I don't have any blind friends. Dating another blind person would be very weird to me. I know that sighted people may say the same thing about me, and that's fine. That's how society works, and I am fine with that. Do you still think I'm a lazy motherfucker, DivineDragon?
ouch... what have I walked in on here?
Personally (and I'll gladly have you people jump down my throat once again as has been done in another post), I haven't been attracted to a blind guy in about seven years or so... so, while this means that it's UNLIKELY I'll date/marry a blind guy, that doesn't mean ti won't happen. I've generally been attracted to sighted guys, and it has nothing to do with the fact that they're sighted, drive cars, have good jobs, go to church on Sunday (okay, that's an attractive thing)... you get the idea. So, those of you who say it isn't matter, go ahead... jump down my throat.. I can take it!
Well there's several reasons holding me back from dating a sighted person. I know I said I'd date a person whether they were blind or sighted, but dating a sighted would be a first time for me and would make feel very odd.
One of the main reasons why, is that I'd think I'd be a major bother to them if I asked them to take me somewhere or if I need help with something that required visual attention.
Two is that after I pay for all my bills I wouldn't have enough money to help them out with the gas. If I can't pay anyone back for helping me get around. I'd feel like I'm using them. I've been used before and it doesn't feel good at all and I wouldn't wish that upon them to go through. I've been looking for a job but no luck so far.
Most of all they wouldn't understand what I'm going through as a blind individual. That's why it'd be hard for me to date a sighted person. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel more comfortable around blind people. That's how I'd feel all the time if I were dating a sighted person. I mean still I would like to try to date a sighted person but I wonder else thought about what I wrote here before.
oops kinda rushed through that one. Where it said "but I wonder else thought about what I wrote here before." I meant to write but I wonder if asnyone else thought about what I wrote here before." Sorry for making so many errors I was trying to hurry up before the site logged me out.
Sparklingstar if your so used to the sighted world and it's so wonderful why waste your time on this site with all us useless uundatable blindies?
Exactly
Why do we tend to make everythin into drama? She said what she thought. Anyway, I wouldn't say that all of us would prefer a sighted partner, also yes I do feel like a burden sometimes, so I can understand where yall are coming from there. But really, in the end, it doens't matter. It's up to the people.
Yeah, and why is it that honestly stating a preference is seen as a sign of hate? Do you presume to know what people are thinking?
"Useless undatable blindies?" Well, Roman Battle Mask, I never said "blindies" were useless. Anyway, if you really must know, this site is not where I would go if I was looking to date people, whether it is dating for real (meaning not online), whether they were blind or sighted. This site has way too many hilarious postings and way too much awesome drama for me to even think of taking a break from keeping up on it to look for people on here whom I might like to date.
By saying how you have no blind friends and expect to be driven somewhere and have someone comment on how pretty you are who can actually see you you emply that blind people arn't as good as all your wonderful sited friends since we arn't capable of doing every last little thing a sited person does. So I ask the question again, why waiste your time on the site if you have no blind friends and want nothing to do with us?
I don't expect to be driven everywhere and have everything done for me, I am independent. The reason I don't have any blind friends is not because I choose to avoid them, but because I haven't met any that I particularly liked as people, regardless of their disability. I won't be avoiding this site because of the abundance of blind people. Sorry.
Well, I saw one post on here which really made me understand my own problems with blind people. It's the kind of, going on holiday thing, or going to a restaurant or going out for a walk. I mainly feel that I can only do that succesfully with a sighted person, so if I was with a blind person, I'd have to get someone else to go with us. Now one of my blind friends has been on holiday with his blind girlfriends before now, to other counries, and just asked hotel people where they could go, and they just went off and did things by asking for directions, finding restaurants or cafes, etc. But, firstly, I think it's very rare for you to find another person who'd be willing to try it even if you were, because blind people just dont seem to wanna do that. most would feel stupid, I would too, but i'd be willingto try with someone else. and secondly, i still think you'd miss out. think of the times you go somewhere new and see i dunno, a fair, or an icecream van, or a watersport advertisement, or a building that u wanna go into. its so much easier with someone sighted, because new and spontaneous ideas can arise as and when, rather than everything having to be planned. I love going into town with my sighted friends, because I can walk along, notthinking about lamp posts or obstacles, and just, brousing for a present. otherwise, i'd hav to go into town, decide on a shop, find it, then ask a shopping assistant to help me brouse. and they hate that usually because they want you to have some idea of what to buy so they can sort you out ten move on i spose. the number of times i've gone with a sighted person to town to get a present, and come back with something completely unexpected. they see things, and suddenly it gives you brand new ideas and interests. and tat's why i dont think i could settle down with a blind person. it would be ok, but more difficult, and if i care about them as much as i do care about my boyfriends, i'd just wanna be able to do that for them. to take them away on a romantic break, just the two of us. how do you do that successfully as a totally blind couple? lookd into finding someone to go with me on holiday, but i dont think u can can you? would tour excursions or planned holiday trips with companies be a good idea? i dont know. but it makes me very depressed when i think i can never take a blind partner somewhere and just, brouse shops with them alone. always has to be someone else there. and i know thats the way it is, and so i just live my life regardless. but its something that will always bother me i think. unless sat nav, or something else changes it.
I agree with you. My two blind friends who were recently married had to take their two sighted friends with them on their honeymoon to New York. I would hate doing that.
wow,
Taking sighted persons on a honeymoon is positively proposterous!!!, and to say that most if not all blind persons don't want to do what must be done for them self is a joke.
I can say, from personal experience, I'm very independent, and my boyfriend and I are a regular couple, we make changes and adapt as best we can.
If we want to get somewhere, we take the bus, or find another mode of transportation to get to where we need to go.
There are ways to be an independent individual, and couple without the help of others.
Soliciting aid should be used only when all other options have been exhausted.
I agree with you there. Taking sighted people on a honey moon ... no, I can not imagine doing that.
I think part of my own problem dating sighted women was that I was too lonely and desperate and didn't know how to act. I also did not figure how much dating was about money, power and status and how little it seemed love and romance figured into it. I also did not figure that in general, my blindness made me undatable by most people's standards because they just thought I'd be dating them so they could do stuff for me and that's all, or that they just thought blind and sighted folk lived in very separate and alien cultures and I would be bettter off either dating somebody blind or disabled or dating some girl nobody wanted. My problem was that the blind and disabled women I knew either were too busy to date, not interested in me in that way, or not interested in dating anyone at all.
Not dating someone because they are blind is pathetic. Oh, why should it matter if they have the same values?
hmmmm. I prefer my partner to be a sighted. as per her heart.
Raaj.
I have only been with visually impaired or blind people, but I think as long as you are there for each other and both do what you can for one another, then it doesn't matter if you can see or not. Communication does not all have to be visual, it can be physical too. I can see some, but I am a very physical person.
So I've read this whole thread and this is what I think. In my current relationship it works like this: I'm blind, and he is black. I no people stair at us all the time because you have the race issue and the fact that I'm blind. I feel like reguardless if there is 2 blind people walking around or an interracial couple it doesn't matter, people are going to stair and have there preconcieved ideas as to how the couple got together and even why they are together in the first place. It is my persinal choice too only date sighted men. I feel that as a successfull young woman with my own home and full-time job I'm able to be more selective as to who I date because I make more than my man does and I'm not about to be with someone that is just scraping by on SSI. Let me end by saying when I was on SSI I didn't date because I wasn't in a posission to go out and spend money and things like that. You might not agree with that but what is in your wallet means alot to people in the dating world. I woodn't date a man that has no money, I'm not saying you got to pay for everything but um you got to be able to hold your own. I do lots of traveling with my future husband and we have a blast together.
Okay everyone... This is my view on this whole thread. I am a totally blind person who is engaged to a person who is sighted, but also to a person who has mild Cerebral Pulsey on his left side. There are things in life that I have to depend on him to help with and vise versa. For instance he drives me places, but I also take cabs and have other people who help me out. I have to help him carry things for he only has one good hand. Our relationship is not made up of the "who take care of who" but we are there for each other not because we have to be, but because we want to be.
Amanda
While I do tend to prefer sighted women I'll date any woman if there's genuine chemistry. I don't care about disability, race or any of that as long as the chemistry is there. I just happen to feel that by setting up those sorts of boundaries you're limiting your options. My x girlfriend back in Oregon is in a difficult situation as far as that goes. She's dating a man well outside her age limit (no one more than six years older or younger than she is). She's 29 and he's in his mid forties. But she has issues with the fact that he's neither visually impaired but nor does he suffer from any other kind of disability. It doesn't matter that he seems like a kind, compassionate, sincere man, exactly what she needs. The nondisabled part nags at her constantly. In fact she's been trying to get back with me simply as an excuse not to explore where this new relationship could go. I don't dare tell her I ended my engagement. In fact I talk to her as little as I can help because our conversations get highly repetitive.
I skipped a little, and I'll easily admit, but I agree with what's been said on the whole. I'm married to a wonderful, loving man who just happens to be completely sighted. Now, I've tried having blind bf's, but it simply didn't work. However, I would still say it is love that matters. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, and were engaged for 3 years before getting married, and I love him more now than the day I married him, and I know the vice versa is true too. He does do things for me; like cook (because he likes cooking), drive, etc, but I also do things like manage the finances, research topics of interest to our future, etc. We pretty much split the household chores, accept when he is working I'll take more of the load to help, and again the vice versa is true. :) That's simply the way things have worked out, but it's 50/50 not one way or the other. :)
I've never dated a blind man, but I did get asked out by one and I declined. First of all, I want to be complimented on how I look. That might sound vain, but it's true, and most sighted women would probably say the same thing. I am educated, work, and live on my own. I personally wouldn't date a blind guy, cause I think it is very stereotypical. And, I wouldn't want to be known as the "blind couple". Sure, it could just as easily be the "fat couple", or the "cute couple". Personally though, I've never met a blind guy who was on my level socially. That's not to say that they're not out there, I've just never encountered one. I expect a lot from myself as far as appearances, future endeavors ETC. The guy I date blind or otherwise, would need to do the same. Also, religion is very important to me. All the blind couples I've ever known have been kind of pathetic. I've however also know some sighted couples who were just as pathetic. Sorry, but I just wouldn't want all the unwanted attention. Of course, sighted/blind couples also have attention issues I'm sure, but I'd just feel too awkward. Appearances matter to me, like they do to a lot of blind people. The last blind guy I met had such a horrible case of B.O. that I could smell him from down the hall at college. He was engaged at the time, so there was never a question of dating each other. To each his own, but blind guys (unless they're well-educated and with a job and socially ept), are off limits. So is any other disability. Not that I have aproblem with other disabilities per se, it's kind of the same scenario though.
First of all... *laughs because there were 69 posts*
Anyway...
It doesn't matter to me if wo I'm dating is sighted or blind, that is reall not a concern of mine. What really matters is that the person I hang with can carry a conversation, because I certainly cannot lol.
But so long as they can do that, and share at least a few similar interests or hobbies, I really don't care.
As far as communication goes with a sighted person, sure it's a bit awkward at first, I've been there and I've done that. It's a running joke between me and my girlfriend now, because she wasn't quite sure how to react to the way I lost eye contact with her for a while when we first met. She's sighted, you see.
So as long as the person who is sighted can adapt, or advise the blind person on better communication, it's all good, man.
:)
Like I've said before it really doesn't matter to me. I'll date any kind of girl, blind, sighted, black, white, whatever so long as there's good chemistry. Really all that's important to me is that she's got her head on straight, shares at least some interests with me and can get my humor. And yes, if she happens to have mental or emotional problems (really what I mean is Bipolar and things like that), I don't care as long as she's doing whatever she needs to do to control it. My most recent girlfriend had Bipolar, ADHD, OCD and Schizophrenia, and while she acknowledges that she has them, she says she takes the meds, "only when I need them." In Kayla language that translated as whenever the hell I feel like it. Needless to say she wasn't often in control. And her excuse? The side effects. But by all accounts they really weren't all that serious, a little dizzy spell and a little exhaustion that she could probably have dealt with but chose not to. And the part that really scared me about the whole business is she's got a six-month-old son. Even if she never raises her hand to the boy or actually does anything she's going to end up hurting him, through her lifestyle even if nothing else. I'll be the first to admit I can be a hopeless romantic but if you looked that term up in the dictionary you'd probably be more likely to see Kayla's picture...not that I'd call Kayla romantic. But Kayla DOES NOT like to be single. In fact she has the unfortunate habit of having three or four other guys on the side even while she's in what she terms a committed relationship. Then if the main guy hurts her she can go back on one of the others. If you ask me, not a good way to foster trust between the partners. And then of course she's probably going to end up getting herself either hurt or killed unless she wakes up and, as the saying goes, smells the coffee. And she couldn't understand why I wasn't going to go looking immediately after she dumped me. It was quite funny really. For all her talk about common sense she sure didn't seem to have any of her own. And she seemed most of the time to think of my blindness as a source of humor. Granted so do I most of the time but it did still get a little annoying after a while.
Then there was Chelsey, my very first girlfriend who absolutely will not date a non disabled person because she claims they can never be taught how to deal with us. She was actually in a brief relationship with a forty-six-year-old guy who was, in her words, "normal," but that fact trumped up the fact that he seemed to genuinely care for her. And yes folks she's my age. But she kept wanting to ask me back out, and while I genuinely think a part of her did really want to be with me I think the greater part just wanted an excuse not to see where things with Dave could go. She was afraid he might be the one and she'd have to think outside the box. And even if Chelsey wasn't a long-distance relationship, she's one of those people who would be perfectly content to live off the system her whole life and can't understand why I don't want to live that way. And she never understood me despite her claims to the contrary. I like to think of myself as a fairly patient person (I'm in no way a saint but I try to at least be patient with people), but dealing with Chelsey might frustrate even a saint. I think she expected me to sit back and wait for the world to end in 2012 and not worry about getting a job.
To blw1978:
I am totally blind and tell my sighted wife she's beautiful all the time. Now, popular psychology / priests or whatever claim that men are into the visual / outward, and women care more about what's inside, so if a blind guy tells a sighted wife she's beautiful (and means it) then, either as you propose, one would need to see to make that assessment (nullifying all that they claim) or your thinking in that respect may be fragmented. Just noticing the inevitable irony.
As to appearances, well, they are the result and not the source. Attempting to flip the situation is like using the screen as a CPU: looks nice and goes nowhere fast. And the looks nice has this uncanny tendency to fade if the go somewhere didn't happen first.
Two things about having a sighted spouse at least from my experience: The hardest thing to get used to at first is their being faced with - at least on some level - discrimination. I mean, we all except it as a fact of life for ourselves, but if you have a heart it's a tough gig at first to see it unnecessarily placed on the one you love. And if you have a fist, yu may have to sit on it occasionally lol Kidding, anger management people. My wife got nasty comments like 'Oh it's so nice of you to do that ...' and all. Really demeaning for a bride to be And most often from her own gender, which surprised me in that they had recently overcome many obstacles of their own in the workplace and all.
And the other part is I don't know what you'd call it - evening it up? You may get accused of 'overcompensation', which no matter how you may explain that's not technically possible, is gonna happen because you'll see there are things you just can't do, so you end up taking other stuff to lighten the load. You can't share the driving responsibilities, so when / if you have kids there's only one chauffeur. Then you compromise where you're gonna live to sometimes sacrifice being able to get around, so your kids can get into the schools you and / or they want to be in. And when that happens you gotta pick up the slack a bit more, since limited mobility e.g. you can't just run to the store for him / her means they have to do it. And although they may not like you sayin it, it's up to you to notice if they're carrying too much of it, because by the time they notice, often especially women feel trapped, burned out, exhausted, fill in every other modern word you can think of. All preventable, but you may be seen as 'overcompensating' but c'est la vit. Everyone's different, but for me my being blind enters as little as possible into our relationship; I don't mean superblink or being unrealistic, but maintaining it as much a nonfactor as possible allows for tons of other things.
Just my thoughts; I wouldn't have it any other way than the way it is for me now, not because I'm blind and she's sighted, but because of who we are together. We're radically different people in far more ways than just biology / vision hardware ... oh and as I tell my daughter, software always wins ...
Hey, that's great. I'm just saying for me, I would want to be valued ( ina very small part), by my looks. Sure, your wife is probably beautiful, and you're probably right, the look thing does get hyped up. That being said, girls like to look good, and partly (at least for some, if not most), are for guys. I'm not saying I have to lose weight or color my hair for a man, I do those things for myself, not for anyone else, but girls do like to be complimented on their looks. Now, if I were your wife, I would really be offended by the "oh that's so nice of you to date him" comment. Your wife loves you for you. Would her friends say that if you were an interracial couple? I have no problems with interracial dating by the way. You're right, some stupid comments are probably par for the course. The overcompensation is an issue, but it could be in any relationship.
It was with great interest that I’ve read your posts - post 48 specifically struck a chord; you see I find myself in this very predicament in that I am sighted and I am dating someone who is blind; we were introduced by a mutual friend and have been dating for 3 months. Previously he had dated exclusively within the blind community and I within the sighted, so I suppose one could say that the past 3 months have been comprised of a series of firsts for both of us. Long story short, things had been progressing swimmingly, until Christmas Day. His family, you see, live in another city and as such we met for the first time this weekend past. His mother is of the opinion that I will inevitably hurt her son simply because I “don’t belong in his world.” Now I can appreciate concern for one’s child, and even perhaps an over protective if not completely meddlesome family (I after all have one too!) however we are both adults, I’m 34 and he is a couple of years older. We’re both professionals who happen to work very well together within the confines of a relationship, or so I thought. I’m now faced with an entirely absurd dilemma of his making in that it has suddenly been determined that given I have not directly experienced life as a blind individual I am unable to fully comprehend the issues he faces and as such we simply “can’t work.” I will say that in life there are no guarantees, I can’t promise that he won’t get hurt, nor would I expect him to provide me with such assurances either. But I have made a commitment and that commitment is to enjoy another human being, to delight in our similarities (which is what in fact brought us together in the first place.) Can I promise forever after 3 months? To suggest I could would be a lie. If this however was based simply on a conflict of our core selves I would be hurt, though I could reconcile the matter with some degree of ease. What I have difficulty with however, to paraphrase a previous post, is that my sightedness “has made me undateable.” So there you have it, my life in a nut shell. All things being equal it makes very little sense to me.
My x girlfriend Chelsey is in the same situation. She's visually impaired but interested in a man who's fully sighted as far as she's concerned. He's blind in one eye but he can apparently drive a car with the proper eyewear, so according to her that makes him a 20/20 regardless of the blindness in his one eye. And Chelsey's absolutely convinced that a fully sighted person, even one with blind or visually-impaired family, can't fully comprehend what life as a blind person is like and therefore can never learn how to deal with people like us. Her word is they can sympathize but they can't empathize. And that's apparently not good enough for her. So even though she's interested in this guy (who's also seven or eight years older than she is and that's another serious issue in her book), she's looking for an excuse not to fully explore the relationship and its possibilities. Oh she's perfectly fine with having a phone relationship with another guy but heaven forbid he should want a face-to-face meeting, because that would be "breaking her boundaries." And yet i've met a great many sighted women whom I probably could have had very satisfying relationships with and maybe even married one of them if not for a few other issues that had little to nothing to do with blindness. My x fiance of now three years back was a very down-to-earth, sensible woman for the most part who never gave me the feeling she was about to turn overprotective and stop me from doing something. She didn't need a lot of enlightening. In fact the only reason I feel things didn't work out was that we had raddically different views on parenting (she has three children from a previous marriage). I believe in proper discipline, taking away privilleges as punishment for misbehavior, the punishment being matched to the severity of the behavior. Jennifer on the other hand seemed to take the "kids will be kids" philosophy to extremes for the most part, then screaming, swearing and spanking her kids whenever she did decide to punish them. Had it not been for that I think Jennifer and I might have been married two years this year. Like I said Jennifer never overstepped her boundaries when it came to my blindness and always asked me if I needed or wanted help with something before just jumping in. So CHelsey's assurtion that sighted people don't and can't understand is totally false.
Um? I never lived life as a woman ... lol so does that mean my marriage of the past 17 (almost) years = nil? I'm sorry for you in the situation; I'm totally blind and think this form of reverse discrimination against sighted people is ... very bad for very many reasons. My wife and I are extremely different people, hardware aside - our range of differences far exceed anything her being sighted and me being blind could account for. I'm not sure I buy this whole blind community business except as far as people get together online like here and stuff, I mean it's a sub culture only insofar as people who dig cigars or do / like / have anything else in common ... sure we all have certain things we can discuss only on sites like here, and I've found this place entertaining and enlightening in a plethora of fashions but it's not like blind vs. sighted equals interracial or something ... It is probably statistically moot to find people who only live with / associate with other blind people. We're a pretty small bunch, and almost everyone we associate with on a daily basis = has eyes that work, so what gives? And if we want to be treated fairly - it's only fair we 'go and do likewise' ... not reverse discriminate against someone who's sighted. And now I contradict myself on the 'blind community' thing long enough to apologize from us to you for said deplorable behavior. My guess there's really something else, he's just usin' this as an excuse ...
Robozork, I’m inclined to agree with your evaluation, and would suggest that the whole situation continues to feel far too much like I’ve returned to high school! Admittedly perhaps not the most intelligent thing I could have posted for public consumption, though was attempting to make a point, whether I’ve succeeded in my original goal is another matter entirely, though what’s done is done. I don’t necessarily subscribe to the separate community model either – though that is perhaps best left for another conversation <grin> As for your suspicions of some other unrelated, underlying cause – you may not be entirely off on that one either, I had hoped however for an ending perhaps a little more honest. I’m reminded of something I came across elsewhere: “The corruption of the good by the belief in their own infallible goodness is the most bloody dangerous pitfall in the human spectrum. Once you have conquered all your sins, pride is the one which will conquer you. A man starts off deciding he is a good man because he makes good decisions. Next thing, he’s convinced that whatever decision he makes must be good because he’s a good man. Always stick with people who know they are flawed and ridiculous.” Cara, a member of the flawed and ridiculous community, signing off! <smile>
77 posts on whether blind people should date blind people or sighted people? Unbilladamandsteveable!
Date the person you love if that person loves you too, regardless of whether the person is blind or sighted, black or white, has four limbs or no limbs, speaks the Queen's English or the English of somebody who is learning the language, etc.
Of course, if you're one of those blind people who hates the very possibility that somebody who is blind could ask for help cutting up their food so much that it makes you want to cut you're own throat, dating a blind person may not be such a good idea.
Personally, blind or sighted is not a choice that I am concerned with. I have mostly dated sighted women, myself being VI (identifying with being blind using a cane and all that good stuff) and I have found that what really matters for me, is weather the person is independent, whether they are educated, and what type of relationship they have with their friends and family. I would absolutely choose a woman who has her own place, likes to travel, is intelligent and keeps good relationships with people, who is blind: over a woman who lives at home, does not like to explore new places, and seems not to be able to rid herself of “drama.”
Now given the choice between two women, both equally attractive physically and equally well adjusted to life in general, one being blind and the other sighted, I would leave things up to personality.
In response to post 77, there are reasons why individuals from particular groups often only seek out other individuals from the same group. Many people who are non-sighted or partially sighted have grown up with only other people who are non-sighted or partially sighted. So it is very natural to only date within that group, in this case, the “blind community. which is a real community, with it’s set of social norms, and I would even argue, culture.
This is no different than someone who is a devout Christian, only dating others from the same religion. It’s what you know, and dealing with what you do not know would feel very uncomfortable.
I will say however, that there are individuals who fit with both crowds, the “blind community,” and the sighted community, or even individuals who feel comfortable enough to venture over to the other side and not care about that feeling of unfamiliarity.
One does not need to empathize with their significant other on every level, sometimes; one does not even need to care.
As for a blind person not wanting to date a blind person, I see that as no different than a black person not wanting to date a black person, or a short girl not wanting to date a short guy, sure, one can always say that there are benefits for making this choice, but it really is a reflection on how one identifies with the group which they feel classified under. In other words, if you are blind, and do not wish to date someone blind, you are probably not all that comfortable with being blind.
Hi. I've read every post on this board. Some interesting responses. There is nothing wrong with dating blind, vi, or fully sighted people. I've dated all three. For me, it's down to the individual, not what group they reside in. Now, I will say that I won't date someone who lacks social skills, an education, goals, independence, etc, sighted or not... One thing about a few posts on here that rub me the wrong way are from some females that seem to lump all blind males into the catagory of lacking social skills, drive, employment, and things of that nature. That bothers me. Not because I happen to be independent, educated, employed, have my own place, and things like that, but, more so that it is in a way disqualifying an entire group of people because some do not measure up. So, just a thought, but maybe it's not the wisest idea to judge everyone poorly due to certain people's behaviour. It's not fair to those of us who would make the cut if considered. Encountering discrimination due to being blind by sighted people is one thing we'll all have to deal with. It's bad enough without people in the same set of circumstances directly or indirectly slamming the entire male population, or female population for that matter, because they are being stereotypical. There are segments of any sort of group that are not worth my time dating, or having professional associations with etc, but that doesn't mean that due to a bad experience or two, that I cut them out all together, if that makes sense. I hope some of you get what I'm trying to get across here. It's much healthier to judge people on an individual basis. That's all for now.
to answer one of the questions of this topic, no it doesn't matter to me. Now I've had some interesting experiences dating sighted guys, and points of views of friends who feel differently. When I was seventeen I went out with this guy who was partially sighted and maybe we lasted a few months, because his family couldn't handle me being blind and told him things like, "If you get her pregnant and the baby's blind then you're gonna have to take care of both of them." and so on. He couldn't handle it and ended the relationship. This sighted guy I was with had and I'm convinced still has issues with my visual imparement as far as other people were concerned. Of course its probably easier to deal with all of that if both individuals are blind/sighted/semi-sighted. Usually, but not always no one seems to mind when 2 who are the same are together. About dating blind, I've heard people say they would prefer not to because they think it will look wierd, because of what sighted people will think, because what they could do would be limited, because they want someone to do stuff for them, because their family doesn't want them with someone disabled like them.
Guitargod1 - they're probably trying to impress sighted people who don't give a shit.
I'd never reject somebody on employment, or how independent they were. Any one of us independent people could be ran over tomorrow and not be able to cook due to being unable to open the oven because our hands were broken by the car. Does that mean we don't deserve a relationship?
Next they'll be saying people who have difficulty counting their own money should be single for ever, and so ignorant they'll be, that they'll think sighted people agree, when the truth is that the vast majority of sighted people will have never even thought about it.
In my previous post, It sort of sounds like I'd not date a blind person just so I could be complimented on my looks. but this is only part of the picture. As has been said before, I would take issues of feeling like a burden as a couple, having dumb comments about being a blind couple, and honestly, I'm just comfortable with the idea of dating anyone witha disability (at least a visible one). As a blind (not totally), woman, I don't know how to open up to the possibility of dating a blind guy. I guess I'm more used to the sighted world. The way I see it, sighted guys can not date me because of my blindness, and that's fine by me. I just don't want to be another blind statistic. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can't help how i feel. If I dated a sighted guy the communication would need to be excellent, as it should in any relationship. I would also want that person to not feel like I am a burden. Not saying this would be the case, I just wouldn't want it to be an issue. I think sighted-blind would be a different dynamic than blind-blind. Just my oppinion though.
It's only an issue if you make it one.
Yeah, I suppose that's true, but I choose to make it one. It'd not only be me making an issue of it, lots of others probably would too. Some people might not mind dealing with all the extra attention and having to adapt things like transportation. That's fine for them, I just would rather not have to do that. There are lots of sighted guys I would not like to date. As far as limiting my options, everyone does that, and not just with relationships. It could apply to career paths, education, you name it.
I have fallen for a sighted girl.
Like you guys have said in previous posts, we are all human.
What is beeing normal? No one is normal, we are all individual.
It would be like dating someone with a wooden leg, it doesn't matter.
If it is love, it doesn't matter. The love will come through.